No laptops, cell phones or music players -- they could all be detonators.
No liquids -- they could be explosive.

I really must vote for some kind of "Qualified Flyer"
program where they come and ream you out and designate you Safe-To-Fly. Take blood, fingerprints, retinal scan, examine your bank records, check what you've bought in the way of books...

(what a minute aren't they already doing that?)

...drug-test you, ask you if you've ever inhaled, determine the political context of your urine sample, sexually declassify you, check your army and marriage records or lack thereof, show you pornography while wearing a rubber insert and come up with a number, and finally issue you a card that says You May Pass Go, You May Pay Us $700. and Fly. Or Not.

LEXY! PLEASE do yourself a favour and call the airline and get completely hysterical with them!!
Don't trust it will go well. They are going to make you check the dog... water for the dog, etc...
Send Napoleon to stay with Darling Domination, (forgot her lovely moniker) Miss. L., I beseech you dear.

This message has been edited. Last edited by: S'tan,

Thanks for the reminder, S'tan...next week I'm packin' a carry-on full of porn and sex toys, just so we can all get a good laugh.

Just leave out the lube and you will be fine. Perhaps you might even make a friend who works for "Homeland Security"

Reminds me of my enema bag incident at Manchester UK airport.

And andreabiscotti, the "Mile High Club" would be an interesting alternative.

This message has been edited. Last edited by: hatches,

Did someone say make friends with someone in Homeland security.. done that!

S'tan spot on.... i would just love to see the confidential records on all of us here.

Hatches - don't tease us - FUll disclosure pls??

My only story of worth was on one of the MANY returns from Kingston when the sniffer dogs got excited (my bloke returned from a shooting party and had left all his guns on my suitcase, no joke). They were conviced I was some drug mule (and u know me I don't even smoke the wacky backy). Seating me in an interview room for over two hours they demolished my luggage but not until they found my diary - The one big Irish potato of a bloke and the Italian Popeye bloke both of them together reading it then lookin up at me, then reading it. It was then that I thought that i should 'become' a writer! LOL LOL
Mr Joe... am sure u have some tales for us!!

Hmmm...was just reading through some old journals myself last night, and was reminded of this one December '01: was flying to Atlanta for my birthday, packed the bag the night before pretty careful of what I was carrying on since we were at code uranium or some such thing after the WTC implosions. Worked the night before, so all I had to do was go home, grab the bags and go to the airport. Well, my "work" attire involved a certain chrome c-ring that I kind of forgot was I was wearing (it's like any other kind of jewelry...not always conscious that it's on you). Wanda with the wand was scanning me over and it kept going off at my own "wand" area. It was so funny, actually. She would scan my wand with hers...and ask, "What's down there?" So I told her to allow me to turn around while I fished it out. Showed it to her right there, but she didn't want to confiscate it. I told her it was only dangerous when I was at work! Got a good laugh out her, and she let me go.

Oh AN, I was traveling to Amsterdam once, long before 9-11, for an extended stay, and ever the ex-Boy scout (ya know, "be prepared") I packed some "cleaning equipment" in my checked baggage.
For some weather-related reason, KLM made an unscheduled stop in Manchester and then inexplicably made us change planes-- which entailed giving us back all of our checked baggage, and having us trundle, to another terminal and through UK customs twice.

The first customs search was done by a rather motherly British older woman who unpacked my entire bag, pulled out the other bag-- in all its pink-with-white-hose splendor-- held it up high, as the people behind me gasped, "Oh my God!" (a family of six from the Midwest)-- and exclaimed, "Oh, a hot water bottle!" and then carefully-- even lovingly-- replaced it and stamped me through. The other check though was uneventful, as if anyone would smuggle anything out of the UK into Amsterdam.

Th plane switch I guess had something to do with changing from one of those accident-prone DC-9's to a more sturdy plane due to extreme North Sea turbulence. And it certainly is a testament to both KLM and Manchester airport that the whole process added only an extra 40 minutes to my traveling time. Here it would have taken half a day.

Returning from Schilpol, of course they don't even open the bags and just ask if you have any tulip bulbs before waving you through.

That incident and the fact that they not only permit small dogs as carry-on's but allowed people to let them out and run around the aisles during the flight, made me fall in love with KLM, and now I always fly them to Europe whenever possible. I guess the fact that the Netherlands is a known neutral country in the current wars is another good reason.

How can u not know that was on you! U r my fave air flying pig

"ahh a hot water bottle" how merchant ivory of you!

I love the British matronly types. A while back when I rekindled the affair with my Maltese bloke. After my first night with him, we shagged so much that at 4am I was in UTI agony. I was in Brighton and we ended up at Eastbourne hospital me trying to get some med for the inflamation! LOL So this portly (Dawn French lookalike) takes me into the room and asks my bloke to step out. She is in full Brit nurse outfit, pinny apron, watch pinned on the top left, white folded paper box hat atop her old lady Thatcher haircut. She gave me an internal exam an then quietly moved towards me and said, "Did this chap force himself on you?" Huge guffaw from me "No did he, you can tell me?" She opens up the splectum again "ok then is he a big boy then? You know BIG?" Course I was just convulsing in the stirrups saying "YES! YES he's a big boy". To which point she just sniggers like a teenage girl and says, "put yer knickers on luv, I can give you some tablets, we call this the HONEYMOON problem u know" she smirks. As we walk out the examaning room, Big Boy himself was lookin at both of us in disbelief at all the laughing that was going on. "Is everything alright?" he asks all concerned. Course am still nervously laughing and say "Yeah! Big Boy!" and pat him on the back.
Trips like all of that make air travel all the more worth it!

Ah, the good old days. I remember when flying with my parents growing up, you absolutely required at least a sport coat. Well, maybe not required, but folks sure did take their attire into consideration when happily jaunting about the country or even world. Of course, traveling back then was meant to be a leisurely experience. Remember those little free packs of cigarettes that certain airlines would give out to every smoking passenger? Later, a curtain is all that divided smoking from non-smoking. I find it amusing that some airlines still feel the need to flash that NO SMOKING sign infront of your face (as if one wasn't already aware). I think the little rectangular outline on the arm rest that once contained an ashtray (I remember my mother putting her gum wrappers in there) speaks for itself.
Alas, let alone attentive and friendly service these days, we're lucky to sit infront of a pull down tray that isn't encrusted with the dribblings of a careless child belonging to equally careless parents. Why bring a filthy tray table to the attention of a stewardess (*coughs* I mean flight attendant) in this day and age? It's not as if meals are very often served on them when we should be lucky to get a stale peanut thrown at us.
By the way, Chi Chi, you're right. Jet Blue is a pleasant throw back to days gone by. Other than that, I think I'll take the train.

On my first trip to California in '68 or '69-- on Pan Am, no less-- the stewardesses (they were always called that then) changed no less than three times: miniskirt ensemble for the take-off, floor-length hostess gown for dinner service (on real plates, with real silverware) and stunning pantsuit for the culmination of this fashion parade in the sky. All of this on a mere 707, and it wasn't even first class.

Course I also remember flying to Hawaii and having to change to a pontoon plane in Honolulu for the flight the Kaui'. And yes, you did always deplane onto the tarmac, getting the first whiff of the fresh island air mixed with a heady dose of vaporized jet fuel.

Once I even flew from what was then Idlewild Airport in New York, but I was very small and really only remember the quonset hut hangars and very round portholes on the plane for windows, giving a very nautical feel... I don't think it was even a jet.

And yes I do remember those tiny cigarette packs... they always seemed to be odd ones like Kent, Chesterfield or Bel Air... Or maybe it was the smokers I was with just wanted those brands.

This message has been edited. Last edited by: hatches,

Ah yes! The stewardesses of yore! So young . . . so supple . . . so attractive! It really was a requirement back then for a stewardess to be somewhat pretty. And the various uniforms, you're right, were so amazingly adorable! Nowadays, you're lucky if the toothless old croans have both legs underneath their baggy "fat pants".
Kents . . . let's see . . . grandmother used to smoke those until the doctor told her she would die.
Bel Airs . . . high school ex-girlfriend's bleached blonde mother would smoke those like a chimney. Had a bigger crush on the mom than I did on the girlfriend.

By the way Hatches, did you read my response on "The Beggar's Opera?"

By the way
This Saturday at Crobar we are doing a party for...
you guessed it.

SNAKES ON A PLANE


Our Stewardesses prepare the cabin for take-off.

HOLY CRAP! This outta be fun! I'll be there. Any particular theme I should go for that you would recommend?
I only ask because this will be my first time at one of your parties. Now that I've gotten to know a few folks here on the board, I'm feeling much less timid. Any suggestions as far as a basic "look" goes for this one?

http://www.strandedpassengers.blogspot.com/

This is an excellent petition. Sign up!
It's for a passengers bill of rights. About time!

10hrs stuck on planes on the runway!

FIRST: !
Welcome to all Federal, State, County and Municipal employees who have logged on to perform official surveillance duties!

Now for the rest of us.
When travelling by domestic or foreign airlines these days one may be singled out for extensive searches while transiting through airports. This may be due to being placed on a watch list.
How will you know if you are going to be singled out for an extensive search at airport security checks? Easy. Look at your ticket.
Airlines print a code on your boarding pass and ticket.
The image here below is a ticket stub showing the not so subtle alert code. A line of the letter ‘s’ at the lower right corner.
Also, notice a large ‘S” in yellow marker written across the entire face of the ticket. This was done by the primary security person at the entrance to the security station when he read the ‘ssss’.
Notice further the unusual hole punch in the ticket over the second ‘s’ in the code on the ticket.
Some airlines use a more subtle code printed on the boarding pass. Typically the code is a letter of the alphabet which appears near or below the seat assignment. The code may even be more difficult to find when it appears as part of the printed PNR code on the boarding pass. The PNR code is used by the airline to designate your confirmation and is usually printed on the boarding pass above your seat assignment.
If you ask about why you have been singled out you will usually be told, “The computer chose you.” But of course that is a lie.
The printed code alerts the security personnel to pull you aside for a body pat down and hand search of your carry on bags which will include a chemical ‘sniff’ utilizing a SPAMS machine (Single Particle Aerosol Mass Spectrometry).

So, after you leave the ticket counter or kiosk and before you get to the security station take a close look at your ticket.
I was probably tagged because of my recent association with individuals who have been on a Federal watch list for decades.
You may find yourself singled out simply because you are a Radical Faerie or have done some recent work DJ'ing in Moscow.
For whatever reason, in today’s hyperparanoid society where just thinking differently makes one a suspect, watch for the digital stigmata on your ticket that in the eyes of enforcement, makes you impure.

So that's why the Shoshone shaman and I were pegged as we left Oregon. I always assume that I'm a felon in somebody's book. There's that outstanding unpaid ticket I was issued last year for riding my bike in Washington Square; when I called about paying it, I was told there's a warrant out for my arrest. I'm certain that eventually all systems will be synched so that we're detained if we're late paying rent.

LOL Mr. Joe. I have one of those riding the bike in the park tickets too. What are you supposed to do in the park anyway, vote Republican?