500$ door.

Bouncer: Mike Tyson.

Atmosphere: Experience New York City like you have never experienced it before. Grotesquely overpriced. Fatuously fashioned. Pretentiously fun. Mafia managed. Mostly for the out of town. 82$ well drinks. Stock broker trannies. Police force DJ's. Insurance inspector doorpersons. Paparazzi infested dancefloors. Republican Hedonists. City government subsidized drug dealers- Baranquillia to Chambers Street direct imports with a small bump up in price levelled by the Port Authority of New York and New Jersey and special permits issued by the Bureau of Homeland (Zig) Security - small discount by the newly elected President of Bolivia; hey, what is globalization good for if coca isn't a granola culture-based lifestyle enhancement: don't tell Condoleeza her smile reminds you of a quarter ounce of pure flake under a Tiffany lamp.

Entertainment by postgraduate degree candidates from Columbia University subsidized in their Rivington Street 200 square foot apartments by real estate barons from Tulsa.

Don't forget to one-up this posting with your own 57th Street clip joint travesty of bohemia.

This message has been edited. Last edited by: seven,

CLUB TABLE



for dancefloor reservations, call 212-555-1212

Sounds like fun seven.
Do they need pole dancers?

How many linear feet can they accommodate up the large intestine?

This message has been edited. Last edited by: seven,

Actually, we are looking for a general manager. Someone who can count 84K in fives three times in a tiny basement closet under close scrutiny after 18 hours of production management and come up with the same number of individual bills each count. Sounds like the Bonnie I always knew you could be. The owners offer car service and twin Phillipino dommes for your pleasure. Sub's fresh blood in a martini glass optional.

This message has been edited. Last edited by: seven,

NEWS!

Messy Bonnie Raitt has become Dick Nightclub's new house manager. We tatooed her for easy identification. It's a large D pierced by a 1000 dollar bill with the face of our great benefactor, Rudiani.

THIS WEEK: Ah, we forgot his name, but we got this primier Ukranian DJ who cost two pit bulls and Messy Bonnie Raitt.

TONIGHT DICK NIGHTCLUB PRESENTS!

The American Malaise and Incompetency Bash!!

Bouncers: The Governator of California and fresh from National Triumph in New Orleans’ Lower 9th Ward, formerly FEMA’s own: Brownie!

18 to 21? Say hello to our Armed Forces recruiting team and get the latest on monetary rewards for limb loss.

At Midnight: Our fanatical insurgent cage dancers from Ahbu Ghraib Prison in Iraq.

Special Appearance at 1AM by Condi Rice costumed by the Men’s Warehouse and singing everything Colin Powell wouldn’t.

At 2AM the Log Cabin Republicans doing their Top 40 smash hit: We Can Pass for Straight.

Tonight only until the media leak! Take a chance on our NRA-sponsored rifle range with bird shooting lessons from (the club’s namesake) Dick Chenney.

Dance to DJ Former Popstar as he fishes for a trend.

Reduced admission for bridge and tunnel toll receipts, a copy of your former East Village apartment lease, British or Russian accents or your SEC series 7 license.

And don’t forget! At 12:30AM join us in enjoying a half hour of lights up and still turntables as we host the 30 member NYPD insurance inspection team on their ‘fact finding’ foray through the club!

Try our new smoking corral out front on the curb.

Limited gift bags available from Ely Lilly and Co., makers of Prozac. And Myspace.com -become a virtual socialite and never pretend you are having a great time out again.

Enter the Where Has New York City Gone Contest. Guess what has happened to NYC’s famed nightlife and win bus fare to Red Hook and one free lap dance performed by all the dead Ramones.

Tonight’s production brought to you by The Rudiani Legacy and the Walter Disney is Alive and Well and Cornering Your Happiness On Ten Square Blocks in Chelsea Foundation.

Of course you could just stuff your Ipod in your ears, drink five Red Bulls and I.M.

lol!!!

Dick Nightclub!
Book me for a reading --
I'll read the telephone book, no one will notice anyhow.

What's this about the 10 square blocks going to Disney?
Is that new.

Do I care.

It's all sick-en-ning-ning-ning.

This message has been edited. Last edited by: S'tan,

TONIGHT!

MARCH 

DICK NIGHTCLUB PRESENTS OUR


BIG FINANCE PARTY 1

Half price entry all night for
401K Roll-over specialists
and anyone from the compliance department!

Doorman: Ivan Boesky
Pat downs by: Michael Milkin
Lap dances by: Martha Stewart
For the first 100 guests, a free copy of
Martha’s new bestseller,
Perjury for the Beginner Felon.
And before you step inside drop a 20 on Speedboat and Spider out front, they'll gladly
key your rival's limo.

Live performance at midnight by the entire cast of the new hit blockbuster Broadway show
When Rudy Met Walter!
Staring Curtis Sliwa as Rudiani and
Lypsinka as Walter!

Enter the raffle sponsored by
Attorney General Antonio Gonzales of
the Federal Justice Department and win
a pair of tickets to
the Hussein trial! (Includes Green Zone accommodations and life insurance)
Body armor provided by
Paraplegic Labs of Paris Island

We’ve got the ATMOSPHERE:
Dump cold coffee on the ‘Whistleblower’.
Complimentary authentic correctional facility baloney sandwiches provided by the Toombs.
From the 6th Precinct: Officer Vindictive demonstrates on you personally
a brisk application of THE CUFFS!
Learn the latest dance craze:
The Departmental Shake-up.

And as always, KEEP THE FIRE INSPECTOR OUT!
Contribute to our Bribe Fund!
Your contribution is tax deductible.

And while it lasts!
From the people who brought you LSD
Free give-aways by Hoffman-LaRoche, Inc.
Makers of Flunitrazepam (Rohypnol)
the ‘Forget Me Pill’.
That’s right friends, tonight only
get your free Roofies!!!!!!!!!

And, oh yeah, we got Poochy for DJ.
Spins Corporate House.

And at 2AM, what you have all been waiting for,
The unveiling of the fantastic, maniacal,

MICKEYANNI !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I LOVE Corporate House!

Well, its been about a month. Big Finance 1 was such a smash success we all took off for Bimini and it is such a distracting place a month seems like one day!

In our absence from NYC we see we've missed another spate of police raids and club closings. And we all thought that badge Messy Bonnie Raitt has been flashing around was fake. But all the pressure of being undercover totally explains the severe constipation she's been complaining about in her blog in the Versailles Room. All those closings also explains the security's bare hands juggling my big boy in my shorts last night when I tried to get in a certain party around Madison and 27th. No! That's not a stash of trees, that's ME!!

While we were in Bimini the club was sublet as a juvenile detention center gymboree /speed dating Easy Pass lane /imported oxygen bar /doggy nail salon /reality teevee sound stage (Last Day as a Virgin) /botox overdose clinic /Broadway ticket scalping bourse /Manolo Blahnik factory seconds outlet /OTB office. But our next party is in the works so stay tuned and we’ll also have a Big Finance 1 party wrap-up for you soon.

Still, wish we were back in Bimini, but what the fuck.

This message has been edited. Last edited by: seven,

How did I miss that " Big Boy" in your pants.

Partyrobots! We're hard at work with
pre-production on our next offering to
your insatiable need for leisuretime kicks.
This summer we promise to test your intoxicability.

While we're dusting off our guest list and
re-provisioning,as promised, here
is the scoop from
Big Finance 1 party:

Attendance: 8,743 paid.
The breakdown:
8,272 licensed 401K roll-over specialists
471 unlicensed 401K roll-over specialists
48 compliance department officers
36 furloughed white collar Class D felons all the way from Ossening!
Sound like a fabulous party?!

Guest list:
1. Federal Court Judge Kimba Woods!
(She kicked everyone else off the list, sorry.)

Liquor sales revenue: $174,145.00

Payout to:
Clubland Sanitizers cleaning service: $18.50

Toilet paper expense: $1,286.00

Pest control: One night at the Hilton for
Messy Bonnie Raitt.

'Gratuity’ to Mr. Anthony Ballato: $50,000.00

Utilities: $0 (We ‘re-routed’ all our AC cables through Wolf Paper and Twine’s box next door).

Bribe fund payout: $2,500.00 We’re totally fire code compliant, according to inspector B.Lind.

We can’t find our coat check manager,
Chupador Grande. Something to do with our sponsor Hoffman-LaRoche, Inc. and all the free roofies they gave out. Did you miss that?
Would you know if you did?

Did you catch the puff pieces about our top DJ, Poochy? Check out SPIN, Rolling Stone, the Post, Voice, NYPress, Times, HX, and newsletter of the National Hemorrhoid Association.
Here are a few quotes:
“Corporate House never sounded so
ready for the dog run.”
“Poochy could make a pit bull
hump the leg of a bar stool.”
“Poochy obviously studied under Johnny Dynell. The discomfort she experiences
when sitting down
is obvious.”
“When Musto doggies with The Donald be glad
it isn’t about procreation.”

Winners of Attorney General Gonzales’ raffle
for Hussein trial tiks: The Bush sisters.
Bon Voyage gals! Let's wish them well.

Because of a complete lack of any data at all from the exit poll for their Roofy give-away
we've been picked by Hofman-LaRoche for thier next launch,
Methalkolalanine! Stay tuned for details.

Spotted in the club:
Joan Rivers popping a stitch.
Dr. Ruth shoveling a big one on Madonna.
Oprah pimping Conan O'Brien for an eightball to Larry Flynt.
Michael Puff-Puff Bloomberg fussing
like a puppydog in front of Jayne County.
Barry Bonds tying off with
the Governator’s belt.
The Strokes carving Sharon O's cell number
on to all the toilet seats in the men's.
Flavor Flav in a K hole with Ann Coulter .
J. T. Leroy on his cell with
the William Morris Agency.
Star Jones vomiting in the powder room.
Elton John getting his baldwins waxed
by Marshall Mathers.
Kimora Lee checking herself out
in the bar mirror.
Page 6’s Liz Smith shrimping Cindy Adams.
Joey Arias in the downstairs
men’s room ADA stall with
the New York Rangers hockey team.
Sammy Jo fending off Daddy.
Shaquil O'Neal with date Barbaro.
Manolo Blahnik wearing
a shiney new pair of Thom McAnns.
Matthew Barney gropeing himself.
J Lo and Beonce’ fighting over Lil’ Bow Wow.
Rosie O'Donnel throwing
a flaming bag of dog poop
at Boy George.

We had everything on tape! But alas, our BETA crew found a certain viscous subtance
glopped on to the 5x5 wide angle after thier set up in the Rubber Room. So, for instance,
we only got scant evidence of a flacid cremaster, Joey from the knees down, and Madge's cheek looking like it is getting
beaten from the inside by a large slug.

There was one police incident reported
in the downstairs men’s room.
But before a line could form at the stall the officer was done.

Mickeyani got so much e-mail! Like this:
"Gee eye you el eye ay en eye yiyiyi
Mickey Mouse!
Donald Trump!
Who's the leader of the Klan
that's coming for you and me
gee eye you el eye ay en eye yiyiyi!"

Soooooo………
Next week don’t miss
DIPSYANI !!!!!!!!!!!



REMEMBER: DICK NIGHTCLUB, ITS THE BIGGEST !

This message has been edited. Last edited by: seven,

This on our office answering machine today:
"This is Anjanette Dwyer, attorney for the Village Voice, Mr. Musto catagorically denies ever having auditioned for Donald Trump!"