well Appropriately so a ew day has come, a new diary is opening. I feel like this is my life, its starting, that feeling in my stomach! a good one, I am going thru a deep change, from within. Im starting to feel much better about myself, and I look in the mirror everyday at school helping the clients to see the vision I see for them and they have set me on a new course and there is a vision for me as well there is a plan set in my mind, I have to get myself together and get as prepared as possible for what life is offering me. The cards are on the table, I am finally going to have career. My life will come together, lol as each snip of the scissor, goes each bad feeling, about myself, bad judgement calls, like sorta banishing all the eveil spirits and bad thoughts, I want to fill my life with joy and happiness, I want to have a summer home, and I nice hooked up apt. I want alot of things and I am not settling anymore. I have also gained some weight, its not something I am proud of yet everyday I feel it, I also feel the drive in me to rid myself of my pain. I wanna be free. I wanna run, and dance and scream. I wanna tell the world how happy I am well

Good Bye, with faery kisses & faery dust....

Feel it child. Run with it. Enjoy your hard work and acompblishments. You deserve it. You have earned it. Good for you girl.

and I have to say I sucessfully did absolutly nothing yesterday it was faboo, today I am trying to make some quick $$ and then tommorow its back to the grind, more to come..

Good Bye, with faery kisses & faery dust....

Sounds like you're ruling Helin. Keep it up.
Maybe you can help Messy-you-know-who get her shit together.

so sad, lately, its more that I am scared of suceeding, its weird but in school I love it Im focused, and I have been running around all perky and happy giving everyone massages. Sucess doesnt come easy, and I dont expect it to but this is my life starting before my eyes, I had clients that wanna be return clients, it just makes me so suprised, Im glad I have the opportunity.. we'll see more to come!

Good Bye, with faery kisses & faery dust....

and lets see I told her, if I dont feel better soon I am flushing my 15 assorted mediations down the drain, Ialtho I look and feel much better these pesky side effects are getting to me, so im a lil down but not for long, I just have to fight back and push myself really hard now, so that I can get thru this and when Im done with school maybe I'll work part time at first,.. who knows, but more to come.. oh and I took out my extensions and got my hair cut about an inch all the way around and the layers evened out and some weight remived with a razor , also im book to do hair and make-up for a wedding in Pelham, in westchester, on sunday morning as well, as I am also booked to do the hair for a cotoure fashion show closing out fashion week at Cheetah on sunday nite.. so things are definatly in motion

Good Bye, with faery kisses & faery dust....

I feel better today I got to do a dramtic haircut today, it was fab..and Im in good spirits..

Good Bye, with faery kisses & faery dust....

you'd think if my health is good why do I keep getting sick, I thought I beat that cold I had last week, and today once again I will pardon the grossness, yaking away this morning.. so I went to the dr yet again, I got in started talking to her and was balling on the way in, I told her if I dont start to feel better soon Im taking the basket of meds I have and pitching them. All I could think about this morning was why, why are we so careless why do we not love ourselves? When I first starting coming out to the clubs all was ok, I was bit stand offish and shy, yes me the "ice cube girl" (with photo op in Shout Magazine ...circa 1997) but at one time I was a shy lil thing, then I was introduced to the world of prostitution, one night after clubbing I walked the stroll and picked up a date rather quickly.. from that day on and for the next few years on and off I was working the stroll. Because of past situations and trauma, as a child I went thru alot of crap, more drinking more partying and more whoring, then I stopped caring, about myself, and what had happened to me, I wish that somehow that never happened. but it did and on one fateful nite in may, 01, my life was changed forever, and by no fault other than my own. Its very hard to own up to a life changing mistake, but everyday I look in the mirror and smile and say your beautiful, lets do this day right, let this day be bright, and sometimes it works and sometimes it doesnt. I must say I'm learning to love myself, more and more everyday. even today running around sobbing all day with no make-up I was still scouting potential, booty calls in the welfare office.. well I can look!! I must say once again it was slim pickins.. after my patience wore thin after about 20 minutes of waiting, I felt way too ill to stay longer I went to pick up my nebulizer, take my meds and a nap. I dont get my money til next week so I am doing my best to book some clients tonite. I hope to get at least 2 that way I have enough $$ to get through the week. well more to come, tommorow is school and Im looking forward to it, its going well, I cant wait to learn more..

Good Bye, with faery kisses & faery dust....

much better, I got some groceries as well, the only thing now is to do the laundry, lol I also have a final nbext week in school and the pressure is on and I mean big time, I have to pass this test with flying colors, so I plan on locking myself in my apt all weekend so I can study and practice for the practical. I also am liking my hircuts these days, and I am thinking of speacializing in cutting, I did 2 cuts today both long layers, and both clients were dolls, and tipped me too well I gotta go make dinner..

Good Bye, with faery kisses & faery dust....

the sorrow in my eyes
the sdaness in my heart
weighing down my soul
and tearing me apart.
I sometimes wanna hide myself away
and never see the light of day
The world is a scary place,
that is why I now wear this sad face
I feel my chin
a few hairs poke out
its not something I dream about
being a transexual isnt always easy
I' say its not friggin bowl of cherries
often I am quite queasy,
often uneasy
but this time I dont feel sleazy.
There is no way to appease
them all

Good Bye, with faery kisses & faery dust....

and I hate to say it but I almost wished someone was on it.. not to die but to see that people hurt. Things hurt. yes its one of those days for me, I hurt, and I worry, but I still keep going, I have to keep pushing myself, I can feel myself settling, I can feel the inner part of me trying to sabbotage things right now. Sometimes things happen for a reason, and there is truly a time for everything to happen, and its not all good for all people. its been a crazy day..

Good Bye, with faery kisses & faery dust....

I slashed my arms
I slashed my legs
I crashed my car
he turned to me and begged
I made sure when the care began to skid it veered to his side
so he could crash and burn
and in turn know what pain feels like
to know what the range of pain in your heart
and in your head
sometimes I wish I were dead
things would be easier
no failures to overcome
no disasters to walk thru
this is what I say to you

Good Bye, with faery kisses & faery dust....

and for once I'll be staying in to celebrate. I have school on saturdays too so that also has a big impact on my plans. I have been reading this book lately that has really helped me to open up my mind and spirit lately. Im growing as a strong woman, who is free. Im not just standing there alone and scared. Im going for what I want and its all productive and healthy . Im really proud of myself I have been doing lots of things lately to think about and really to see the change. and its not just in my head, its in my hear and an my soul. All the stuff I have gone thru has put a mark on me and my soul and heart forever, but its more like a badge of courage, instead of hiding from my fears and drinking them away, I have been facing them, I see my is going to be changing, I just have to stay on the right path and beleive in myself. I have never felt this way before. Its awe I'm guessing, but its not all cookies and cakes.. Its also very hard cause I find one part of myself trying to sabotage the other, and it makes for a difficult time. And the other thing is the side effects from these meds Im on are quite uncomfortable, and I just gout out of a 2 week long depression. Im glad Im growng Im glad things are changing for the better, I just have to trust myself more. and Im finding the more I lovemyself the better I feel and the more I trust myself. thank Goddess, and Mommy and Daddy, of course for having this diary on here, even after all this time its so precious to me. I've been thinking about printing up the whole thing and doing something with it, I dont know if I could do that either, but I have been gathering things over tha past few years, (I'm a packrat) lol but the thing is all of thise things are going to help me to create art work, I have also as you see been wring alot of poems, Im planning a collection of my collage, poerty and performance work, maybe a year or so from now. It will be a collection of my life experiances, and for now other purpose but to show you the world how I have been thru it and my quirky lil things I do but most of all its important to hear and see and listen to what is going around, around you. sometimes you have to take a look back or a step back and just watch.. well more to come...

Good Bye, with faery kisses & faery dust....

well thank goddess thats over with, ugh, now on to me and off of that hag, MBR, (messy Butthead rait) or rat.. cause thats what she smells like, so next week I graduate from Beauty school and I fifsh up in the beginning of january.. then its off to look for a job.. well all is good, I just got some new furniture and a new queen size mattress.. fit for a princess.. besides its better to be a princess, lol Im not old.. well gotta go..

Good Bye, with faery kisses & faery dust....

Congrats on Beauty School lady!! Just finished catching up with your diary. So glad you are in a safe, spiritual, productive time. I hope you know my over the top tales in Messy's Diary are all in fun my dear. I would never want to make you feel bad doll. Don't feel harrassed, Feel CELEBRATED!!!!

I meant it in a sarcastic way.. and thankyou Sweetie. yes only 37 days of school left, altho I graduate next week. Im so excited.. Im also doing cuts and color as well as highlights, light massage and conditioning treatments as well as updo's roller sets.. well I'm off to get my hustle on.. more to come..

Good Bye, with faery kisses & faery dust....

just chilllin, on sunday...just in some down time..

Good Bye, with faery kisses & faery dust....

at this desk
tears fall from my eyes
I wanna ball and cry
and again I sigh
why , what should I do, what can I do
I feel like a fool.
once again I have bitten the hand that feeds, why does self hate breed in my soul
why do I feel so cold
why is there no fire where there is desire

Good Bye, with faery kisses & faery dust....

sitting here,
typing away
wishing all the way
I had someone here
someone to lean on
someone to cry on
someone to lie on, yet here I sit
I feel as if my mind is split
I cant take this shit
the negative thoughts
sit in my brain
damn the shame
why do I feel so alone
I wanna go home
and lay in bed
put down my head
Im just a lil down today, Im sure it will pass as it always does..

Good Bye, with faery kisses & faery dust....

well Im going thru a lil something, this double life thing is getting to me..

Good Bye, with faery kisses & faery dust....