Im not quite sure
anymore why I fear being here
Why am I scared when i lay in bed at night
the clock ticks away
Maybe, someday I'll get out of here, I need a back up plan I need more choices, failure is not an option. Why is life so hard... its putting me to the test, Im doing things I havent done in years and slowly the tears begin to fall, last nite
all I wanted was to lay my head down and cry. I could feel the sadness and anxiety trapped inside me.. and as always this will pass soon too.. I hope..
I put myself in an uncomfortable situation making myself sit thru it, trying to convince myself that I coould, then I saw bllod, Im a bit freaked out.I keep getting flash backs in my mind over and over, I dont want to be a repeat in life, I wanna shake myself free, I want a regular life with some pets and a husband and good health, and I havent been feeling too good lately.. God I need a big long hug. I sit in my apt sao lonely its so hard to get out, I start to feel trapped. well more to come soon..

Good Bye, with faery kisses & faery dust....

well we all know Im always looking to make some cash well there is a sex tape out there, and Im on it.. yes its floating around.. as well as I have doine some internet work and other ventures .. shallwe say and all this just 5 dyas before beauty school ends for me.. 5 dyas before my life changes foreve. I am quite proud of myslef and cant wait to really do this . My life is really turning in another direction with a few twists.. but Im well and alive and I still love myself.. Happy New Year, My lovelies, and keep that Messy Bonnie in her place, at the (Betty Ford Clinic)

Good Bye, with faery kisses & faery dust....

Helin,
I wish you the best for 2004 and hope to see you "out there".
Love, LAD

I finished Aveda, No more beauyty school Im done and graduated.. yay.. I may even go out on wed nite.. hmm, well gotta go.. seeya soon I'll write more soon too $$

Good Bye, with faery kisses & faery dust....

Happy New Year.
Glad you made it through beauyty school. Congratulations.
Hope it's a good year for you.
But I really hope it's a good year for me.
Ain't writin' a diary a bitch?
It's always sumthin'.
Gimme a call girl. I'm thinkin' a gettin' a perm. How did you do in perms?
Don't matter.
I wanna get you now before you get too famous.
My girlfriend Paris made a sex tape too. Now she's got a TV show.

Faery kisses right back at ya girl.

things are piling up in my brain
I cant hear the rain falling
as I fall to the floor, and wait for them to come
I wait ,and I wait
I look in the mirror
I walk around the room in circles. I feel like a dog chasing my tail, or like a snail who just cant move
I now have to prove myself and I feel like I have to do that, often. I know my eyes have seen better days, and my heart has seen better ways, but as the tears well up in my eyes, I dont see a prize, I dont feel so good, but should I
I feel like an accomplised fool, drowning in a pool of pity, a pool of despair, a pool with no air no light, I cant see I cant be.. thats how I feel right now, I can write it better than I can see it

Good Bye, with faery kisses & faery dust....

to have a hom,e here on this site, I have to say its one constant in my life, no Im not that much of a mess but its one solid place that I can unleash my woes, on do some shows on.. lol I have been quite the poet'tess lately and Im pasting one here for whom eve wants to read it,
-----------------------------------
hope all is well across the ocean.. you may not be near
dont shed a tear,
the end may not be near
but pick up your chin
hold your head high
don't be shy
be a stand up guy
and you have sexy eyes


this I wrote to this army brat in Germany he is going to Iraq soon and has been there already and I know he misses the sates , so I wrote him that a lil while ago, I havent been looking for work I have just been "working" so I can pay the rent, and today Im being lazy.. thats all anyhoo time to rum and mokesug

Good Bye, with faery kisses & faery dust....

so I went for an interview at a salon on 57th st, Im excited, but have to keep looking, it went well and they will be calling me next week to come in and work one day with them. assisting the colorist. Im trying to keep up the good spirirts, but money has been really tight and I am not so busy with clients, besides they dont wanna come out now that its cold, anyhoo time to go my stomach is bugging me.. more to come..

Good Bye, with faery kisses & faery dust....

well here I am alive an kicking.. as usual.. lol I reently cleaned my apt top to bottom and ended up throwing out my forms for school for my temp license which irritates the hello out of me but anyhoo I have been doing my massage thing and making cash like that. I still have no interest in going out anytime soon. Its just not for me anymore.. I would like to go and do fun things in the day and function like a human being. Its very hard for me to eat, but a getting by. I still have alot of anxiety, when it comes to going out, so I stay home alot. Im ok and maybe will see some smilig faces soon.. more to come..

Good Bye, with faery kisses & faery dust....

Hi Helen. You are not alone. So many transgendered individuals suffer this way and so only go out at night. I thought I would share with you a few thoughts as to how I have dealt with these fears about going out.

Find your center and your serenity, and be confident in who you are. Most people will accept you more when they see how confidently and gracefully you carry yourself through life. There will still be a few stupid or crazy assholes. Don't allow them to push your buttons and knock you off your center. Maintain your serenity, and know that they are who they are, and you are who you are, and that they certainly just don't matter. It's their problem, not yours. Leave it at that and forget it and move on.

Meditation helps immensely. Affirmations help me. Two of my favorite affirmations that assist in this area are: "I let go of my judgements and allow love to be my guide" and "I feel the joy of living on the earth at this time. I am nurtured and nurture others with my bliss."

As a pagan, ask the Goddess in any of Her apsects to help you. I often ask Yemaya to wash away the harshness that has accumulated due to anger and resentment, fear and shame, and replace it with the softness of the True Earth Mother. Such harsh feelings inside will transfer outside. Look at what happened to Joan Crawford. She was so pretty in her early years, but after taking on so much abuse from the studios and men, and holding onto it so neurotically, her outward appearance became quite harsh, and lost all of it's softness. That isn't a necessary part of aging.

Fears of going out can become a downward spiral, and one admitedly needs strength to counter it. I find a lot of my strength through Yoga, Meditation, and working closely with Wicca to remain centered and serene, and to call on the help of the Goddess. FOr the worst senarios, I also say each time I go out: "Dear Artemis, please protect me from the harm of men and boys." This seems to work great.

Don't let them control you. It takes practice to let it go, and keep your attention where it truely matters for you. Proceed with grace, serenity and confidence. I hope this doesn't sound too esoteric, as it works for me, but it takes time and practice. Know yourself, and be happy with that. THere always will be some asshole, just learn to let it go, and know that it they just don't matter. THere will be more and more accepting than rejecting as you proceed.

Also I have learned to simply dress how I feel. Don't ever lose your sense of celebrating life and your individuality. Most people will appreciate this. Those who don't don't deserve any of your energy or attention. By your maintaining your serenity in the face of their stupidity, you are actually teaching them a valuable lesson. Knowing this can give one more strength to carry on. It gives you a sense of mission.

Thankyou Stacy, I needed to see that in writing I myself am very much Wiccan as well,a nd never thought to ask the Goddess for her help in a situation, like this I honestly thought I was crazy.. thanks for you help.. Helin

Hello Helin. Listen to every word Stacy is telling us. Her wisdom and knowledge are true and far beyound her youth. As an ancient one I can affirm her wisdom to you. She knows well of what she speaks. If we could bottle that wisdom we'd never have to work again. Learn the truth and it shall set you free.

And Stacy. I am blessed to read what you write. Thank you for your heartfelt sharing.
Let love continue to guide you.

Aw shucks! If my daddy could see me now. (Jimi Hendrix, "Up From the Skies")

Thank you bobby for that terrific sentiment "Let love continue to guide you." I don't think we could do much better at this juncture. I'm struggling for the light. Hopefully find a balance between the light and the darkness. Hopefully I'll remember to remember.

Oh Bobby, How I miss you, thank you as well.. and I am listening and printing up these pages so I can remember it all.. Im coming out of this funk I think, No more.. other work, and Im off to dive in the world of beauty!! I sent in my papers for my temp license.. Im ready to work and really thinking abouut working on wigs too..

Helin my darling. I wish you success and lots of fun and happiness. I have been a hairburner ( old school term) for almost forty years and it has never let me down. I just know you are going to have success. And you deserve it too . Lot's of love and luck coming your way.

well well I did it. I got a job at a hair salon, nearby on 5th ave in the teens.. its hard as hell but I love it I am learning so much and getting cute coins too.. Im still around, doing my thing.. I recently got a haircut.. and next will be some color. I still take clients in the house. The only thing I dont care of is the impatience of others.. I hope to get quicker sooner. Its a busy fast pasced salon, if Im not foldinh towels, Im applying toner, or rinsing , or whatever, but I must say I cant decribe wjhat it feels like to finally have a job, what accomplishment I feel. Its a step in the right direction.. a new healthy venture.. I will be writing more, there is always stuff to say................

a good nite and an awful morning.. I sit her sobbing at this computer.. I just got an email from this guy I was seeing, he is moving away.. Im so upset, I really like him and for him to go far.. work is going really well. But this sudden news, it was long time no hear and now this.. Why do they go? I have been being quite mischevious myself.. I have been going out dancing and stuff. my health is ok... I am taking lots of classes with this new job.. and my schedule is cute too. I have been doing lots and lots of shoping as well.. well Im still upset, bout this guy leaving, at the end of the month my brother is getting married and here I sit and I cant seem to keep a guy around.. its not so much on me as it is on the guys themselves.. I just think what could have happened.. I really liked this guy.. Im gonna misss him, he was a reall sweet chill guy.. Im so sad..

well well, its wednesday and I'm still crying here and there.. I went out friday nite met up with this really fine Trini guy and had a nitecap.. as well I started chatting with this other guy, in which we have a lot in common.. its so hard when you cant share all of yourself with soemone , when you have to leave out one major detail, that may have them run.. its scary too.. Work has been going well, I have been assisting with some Thio relaxers as well as the thermal reconditioning..(Japenese relaxer), as well as doing single processes.. and other things, they jacked up my heair color as well, and yesterday I got my eyebrows threaded as well as a beautiful hair cut, its on the short side but I feel really sexy in it too.. My brother is getting married at the end of the month, Im doing a performance on public tv on friday, as well Iam walking in the MILAN Ball, on the 25th of July. Im so excited my first ball..(walking in ) more to come..

Honey, Mens are pigs.
That's why we like 'em.
Stop yer cryin'. You jest need a little sumthin' ta get ya self through.
That's what drugs is for.

Messy...you stupid bitch...drugs are for idiots and fools like you girl..Leave Miss helin alone...she's doin' just fine.