OK OK Miss Mary,
Drugs is for loosers.
What I meant to say was...
that's what booze is for.

If it wasn't for drugs wouldn't you be just plain ole Bonnie Raitt?

hey there.. I disapppeared for a lil bit.. no more crying ZI've move on... to other conquests.. I'm gonna have some good story's like the guy who came by with the beercan like girth and legnth well, I had to unhinge my jaw..Love the latino flava!! lol so I recently am unemployed again.. its a not a scandal just some minor things.. onto big and bettter.. things and places.. I went to my brothers wedding last week in bloomfield NJ, I did the hair for the wedding, it was fun the food was amazing and I drank alot but it was gorgeous.. my mom picked me up this outfit its so sweet.. thisd weekend is my aunts 4th of july party.. so its the meeting of the 5 families as my cousin call sit.. lol (its very italian) well more to come and Bonnie stayy off the Crack.. Bobby I miss you my dear and you are truly an inspiration to me.. Jaime.. I miss you..

well well another nite out in the sticks and I know why my place is in NYC, I appreciate all of it so much more. see Last nite I went to my uncles 50th birthday in Wappingers Falls..yeah well.. its quite frustrating people ket spooking,I dont mind here cause its my home. But I also was ditched at this club in newburgh but I did get my freak on with this cute papi in the woods!! Leave it to me to find the only boricua!!! as no suprise to anyone I m a working for a lil while.. I wanna take of stuff b4 going back to work.. altho I do miss it.. besides my color faded, and my gray roots are growing in.. yes I have gray.. oh I just found out Hello Kitty turned 30!! HB Kitty!!!, you know her birthday is in november.. she is a scorpio! lol Its nice to still put more entreis in to be honest some time I dont wanna write cause it makes me see whats going on so I cant ignore whats in my head, its on pape.. well sorta.. you must wanna know why I decided the working girl route? its quick money I know how to do it and Im good.. well I have been told but who hasnt..(been told they were good) I also havent perfomed.. onstage lol in awhile but I cant focus on that.. right now I have other crap to deal with lol. I have to take a liquor vacation.. I can feel my body its all weird,, need more food,more dick , and more smoke !! thanks for allowing me to write..

today I had my first glycolic peel at the skin Klinic, not any clients thus far but the day is young.. well I will be looking for work the next few days as wellthingas are going on I also got my weave done the other day its so preety, anyhoo time to go

Last nite.. Crobar.. seeing Daddy, seeing lots of people Michael Madison, and lots of others it was a cute party.. Ive been going evvery thursday.. but I have to say the music last nite, wasnt as good.. well I put myn ads up and Im gonna get ready for some clients.. .. I havent looked for sdalon work, and after my last experiance at the salon, and I was terminated.. altho I went to work when I needed to go, I worked my ass off, I tried as hard as I could,, and they never told me why.. the boss said there were too many complaints about me.. for what I have no idea, then the last few weeks of work there., my asthsma was acting up(when its humid I cant breather) so my Dr. put me on medsfor myt asthma, with all that said and dont the manager of my previous salon suggested that maybe I should try another profession.. whats that about?? well indeed I was extremely upset.. I still am a lil bit.. Im sorta scared now to look for work.. so I am talking the easy way out for a few more weeks..

well I( must say its been awhile since I have written, I went to the Silver Swan last saturday nite, as I have been for while now, and I raninto someone that reads this diary, I was so suprised, I turned red. It was a nice thing to hear tho.. beyoind that my brothersd wife is Due next week Im goona be an Auntie, I cant wait@@ my brotherts child will be the only one with rhinestone jumper!!!.. its Miss Understood inspired babywear!! What can I say, I am gonna go out and look for receptionist work my temp license ran out, so I have to take the state board exam uggh, but I must and I will pass. Im wondering what to do the saturday of Samhain weekend.. oh I was at my mothers house the otrher day and I was chatting with my older brother funny he goes to Crobar all the time on saturdays maybe I'll go there..

well another day another dollar another debt another holla!! so I'v saved up some money and still need some more $$ cant waity for halloween, Im about to go do some bad things.. so

wow another Saturday has popped up.. what to do.. I was tempted to put my new escort page info just for show.. I have my pic on the front page of a website, its kinda cool..lol. I got a notice from y landlord so I need to make to coins to pay what I owe.. but thats not all for now I have been doing ok. I went out to Uptown Girls Glorya's party, well it wasnt there anymore, then I went to Edelweiss the nite before and it was closed, it was funny I was chatting with the other guys there, try to see if anyone wanted a date.. I couldnt catch them lol.. and I have been getting dressed nice lately I Have the cutes t pointy shoes.. with kitten heels I adore them. Maybe I'll wear them to my bro's 30th b-day who knows.. well time to dash there is cash out there.. with my name on it.. MORE HAIR@@@@@@@@@@@

Helin, just read your last several posts. Haven't seen hide nor hair of you in so long. Glad to see you are well and happy. I often wonder how you are and where you are in the world. Snatch the cash darling.

Oh Thanks you Sweetie, I wanna come out soon and show of myy wares,, lol its so nice to read your post Sweetie.. I spent Thanksgiving with my family and Ms Faery..

I also have to post something but not sure where, I have a friend of a friend sugar daddy looking for a tall blonde boy.. for personal fun as well as doing porn on his new gay site and getting paid at least $300, -$-- per shoot, or movie, I want some head and body shots, be in good shape this is for REAL please email me I wanna help someone get a start, blonde gay boy 6 feet tall, please email me, at honilips4u@yahoo.com.. if this post is moved can you all notify me.. thanks much..

and I am gonna go to CROBAR on saturday I cant wait, I have to get something togetther, as well my brother an cousins go every week, so I wanna "run " into them. I think it would be awesome, plus I wanna see the mother people as well.. see ya'll soon stay warm and well, and take care and love yourselves..

well well, today I went and got boots for my doggie! lol, over all I havent been feeling well the past few days, some yucky cold or something.. but things are ok, I seem to be oing all different things lately. dipping into new areas of intrest.. I wanted to come out on saturday nite but with the rain and wasnt feeling so hot..
but I will come out, I have to I cant tay in all winter .. its just when I go out now larr ge crowds bother me, I get anxiety quite bad. I used to be able to deal with huge crowds but these days I cant, Im happy to hang at home with my friends .. I learned alot and had alot of fun in the past and I still do now, its just different. I dont feel the need to be noticed, or seen. I dont feel the need to go all out.. and fuss. like I used to.. Ive become a lil more me well alot more of me.. Im much more comfy in some nice jeans and a kitten heel with a a nice cami.. Im back on the mones again and Im on the shots, I took a lil too much the first time but oh well, I was extra moody and loud .. but thats ok, I feel cunty!! and my boobs are nice an perky and Im more balanced, I feel more comfortable with myself.. I was off the monesfor about 6 months, my health coverage doesnt cover it, and I didnt have the $150 to shell out for some mones, but I got a good deal, and I have been woeking, alot latley.. making the CALA (coins in filipino) I 'm glad Im still able to write, its refreshing, I may be out of the scene.. but Im lurking around.. I'll come out soon see everyone soon..

well guess what the cat dragged in.. I have been feeling quite cunty lately and shopping up a storm. I just bought my new hair today for my new weave.. another color a mixed color and a diff texture.. I want it to be a suprise cause I know everyone is gonna gag!! lol the one I have in now, is growing, out, so when I get it taken out, I have to put a rinse in my hair.. cause I have a lot of gray, and I refuse to use permanent color on my hair.. for right now. I wanna do a natural.. keep my hair braided, up casuse in about late january I'll take this weave out.. and see how long my locks are.. as well I have only been using a line of hair regrowth products and strethnthening products, and leave in treatments, and my hair feels much better than it did before.. and on the working girl front.. lol things have been going good, I got a new cunty lil sony stereo, so can blast beyonce and bette... I wanna show pics of my hair but not sure how to post pics up.. more to coome..

hey Im back.. and realizing the kind of work I do its gonna be hard to find b/f material.. I have a clinet who comes over and we cuddle and its so nice.. he has a slammin body too, my god. Im not feeling so well, this cold is gonna get to me .. I ate and vomited, and I havent felt so hot the past few days anyhoo Im gonna go back to my vicks vapo rub bubble.. and watch more on the tube

hey here Happy Holidays to those who believe, and happy day to those who dont.. I like this time of year at the begining of it but sucks now, I have been dead with very few clients and I am gaging, but Igot my wet and wavy weave, yes I have Diva Hair.. well may you all sleep well and warm and know you are loved..

Happy New Year Helin!
I loved your new hair when you came over the other night. You can carry the big hair... I also liked that darker shade on you.

Everyone I know is going to Motherfucker tonight, so I hope you can get out and get a little crazy for the New Year. Love the 2 AM start time so we can forget the cornball countdown. How many times have I missed midnight because either I fell asleep or was in the toilette.

Love,
S'TAN

hey there Happy New year to all and to all that read my posts, On New Years eve I was at the Silver swaN AND SIPPING TEQUILA TIL MIDNITE, EVEYTIME i GO TO THAT BAR THERE IS ALWAYS THIS CUTIE, AND ON nye HE TOLD ME HE LIKES THIS OTHER GIRL, SO ON i MOVED, AS .. sorry bout the caps,, anyhoo I had an ok evening, it was a white nite for me but thats fine.. then sunday this guy calls me that I was sorta into and he asked me so blunt Can I fuck you tommorow? and I was like uh.. no bitch, who the hjell are you.. get outta here.. so I deleted him from my phone and chocked it up as another experience.. This pissy recovering queen in my building has been hady from the get and if she keeps giving me shit I will punch the bitch out.. I met this queen awahile ago.. and he seemed nice at first and I couldnt understand why people hated her so muchm now I see, and now I cant stand her either.. anyhoo. onto bigger fish, Jerry Orbach passed last week, Goddess rest his soul..

well well its a mood swing less day so far.. we'll sede the funniest thing just happened.. I got an email suggesting I use a credit card machine.. lol I only deal with cash, its quick easy and no paper trail.. Im trying to thin positive and to be happy and to pray, when all else fails, just breathe and pray. no matter who you pray to..

nother sucky saturday, Im so over this crap, Im over alot of stuff, where are the men? the real men? where are all the damn clients? why does the rain keep them away? why do I do the things I do.. and I hate that Ive been crying every ten minutes, and Im in the bathroom the other 10 min. Im getting tired, of all this crap. I wanna go away for a week or so and take my baby and skip town. I dont wanna leave him in anyones care but my own. thiese fucking hormones make shit so hard and other things not so hard.. its a trade nice rack or a functional dick. thats all they want anyway.. I dont wanna hear another client calling me, snd asking me to fuck them, fuck you, I hate that. Im not a top, and all these bigg nice masculine men, are the first to bend over, like the bitches they are, then have the nerve to try and talk my rates down, how dare they, what the fuck,, and then the audacity of these boys approaching me Im so over it, and fucking miserable,

Dear Helen, we are now passing out of a dreadfull period of general depression and for myself it was more painful than usual, but I'm getting better now as I also get over a bad case of the flu as well. I believe I'm stronger now. As for the hormones, I stayed on them long enough to be able to accommadate implants and then got off them. I don't plan on ever going on them again. They were most disagreeable. I had gotten to the point of impotence after a year and a half of highest prescribed dosage, and at that point my only hope for continued sexual ecstacy was to have genital conversion surgery. I'm so glad I got over that and lucky I was able to regain penile functionability. Also I now totally love anal sex (receiving) and am happy with my given plumbing. I do plan more feminization in the way of body modification through plastic surgery such as a trip to Venezuela for ass/hip implants, and a brow reduction, but I don't look to hormones for any of it. Hope I haven't crossed any lines here. Just my opinion as far as my own personal experience I thought I would share for the sake of airing more possibilities and options for you. Ultimately you have to do what YOU want to do. Don't look to anyone else for those kind of decisions. Back in the 90's there were a lot of transsexuals who had genital conversion surgery (AKA: SRS) from support group and "community" peer pressure. Many had their surgery as a result of taking hormones and losing their male sexuality and feeling that they had to take the next 'logical" step, in their sexual evolution, only to later regret it. There are some TS's who are in glorious ecstasy as a result of their SRS, but others who have become sexless matrons in sweatsuits and sneakers. IT's everyones own decision. No one else has any say. Also there are many different sahdes of Transgender expression and the whole point (I believe) is to sing your own individual song. That is true for all people.

I know what you're saying about the high percentage of guys who "chase" trannies and want to get fucked up the ass by the transgendered individual. It's a hellish situation, like a vicious cycle of frustration. However, there are "top" guys out there who are genuinely top. If you find a nice one who gels with you, hang on to him and never let go. But isn't it sort of amazing how many guys want to get fucked by a shemale? I mean lots of them! We're their dirty little secret.