I cant believe, yet another chapter in my hysterical life begins...

ugggh I am so tired! My legs are killing me, I danced my ass of last nite... ripped my pants, lol no not the crotch...anyway not much to say, I have to eat something today yesterday I had some yogurt eeh! who needs to xtra weight lol

Let's make this one "The Book" (then "The Movie").
Don't just say, "My feet hurt, I'm tired... I have nothing to say".
Think of something to say! You're our Dorothy Parker sweetie. Tell us what's really going on in that transitioning head of yours. If you really have nothing to say then don't. Say it the next day or the next. We can wait. We are all living through you. Give us something to live for. I know I sound like Mrs. Crabtree, your 7th grade English teacher but you need a little push. Just keep picturing who is going to play you in the TV Movie. Then give her something good to say. Who cares if it's true. Make it up. We're with you.

Let's get this new diary off right.

Who should play Helin Rhiannon in the TV Movie of her life? (I say Parker Posey)

Tell us who you want Helin.

You have now challenged me(its a good thing) I have to sit down and focus, cause there actually are things goin thru my head all the time, there are transitioning issues I do face.. and about the actress that would play me??? Juliette Lewis of course!

thora birch?

"Up this morning"

(Fill in this section)

"And so to bed"

Have heard Thora Birch, Im not sure who she is, Ill do a search online an see what I can find.. and now onto hmm I have been quite depressed laetly I have been spending too much time at home alone. I suffer from severe depression and lost my appetite days ago. I have been slowly running out of food and dont get any food stamps til the 9th of the next month. I am going to go to Aveda for beauty school an to be honest I am quite nervous.I dont have the clothes that I will need and I' am scared that I will be discouraged from going, what if I dont pass the entrance exam? then what... I cant fail I have to end up doing something with my life. Its bad now Im 26 and feel like a has been. I wanna perform but dont know where and what to do I have been getting into hip hop and rap so maybe somemore edgy performance. the other thing is I am over going out there I said it. I only like going to the friday nite fetish party I have been going to. I am just tiered of the same thing I need a change. Something.

Helin,
First, stop thinking about yourself so much. I know it's your diary hon but you need to get out of yourself a little bit. You are way too self absorbed. Stop torturing yourself. You're fine. You can be a fierce hairdresser if you put your mind to it. Have a bit of confidence! I've seen you put great looks together for years now. Who are you afraid of? Some trashy girl from New Jersey who might laugh at you? Be fierce. You may or may not carry a knife in your purse, I don't know, but believe me, those little girls from the suburbs don't know what you got. They are alot more afraid of you. (and if they aren't they are fools!) Beauty School sounds perfect for you! Skys the limit hon. The only thing that can hold you back is if you whine too much and somone (like me) goes into your purse, grabs your knife and cuts out your tounge! Now go get 'em girl and stop being so down on yourself.
I know you may think I'm crazy but I'm serious about this. Why don't you try doing some charity work. Help people with AIDS or the homeless etc. It's really hard to dwell on things in your head when you are in a situation like that. You help them but they end up helping you too. You "get out of yourself" for a while. Then when you go back to yourself it may not seem so bad. Just an idea. It worked for me once.

I dont have too much of. Im not sure if I really got into in depth about my past relationship, but altho he was my first it was also a domestic violence relationship. My confidence was shot down awhile ago, and no matter how much charity work I do, I dont think it will be fixed. Maybe I am a bit self absorbed, however, go thru a situation like that for a year, when you get choked, and huge peices of mirror thrown at you, verbally abused an so forth not to mention hit, repeatedly. Im not asking for a pity party. I know I need to empower myself. I'm just not sure how to. Sometimes I can barely get myself out of bed.

Hey Cherub... our Daddy is right... i think the best cure for any depression is keeping uber-busy.
Its very easy to wallow in our own fears etc... but there are SO many people who have it worse than us...hey theres only you you have responsibility for how hard is that?... i have the responsibility of a 2yr old and ALL the bills etc etc...I am on my own and ths is not my country and i have NO family but you know its ALL OK... hey it can all look as bleak as you want it to be.. but bottom line is that it isn't... i do not have any life threatening diseases nor am I disabled...I am not homeless ... i am free... there are SO many reasons to be "up".... i need to go all Oprah on yer ass and tell you to keep a thankful diary... the more UP you are the more you will attract good stuff... i know that...mmmm BOY do I KNOW THAT!!
Go for it.. Aveda or smth else...you will and you can -
All the best, Dr Phil xxx

That's what I was trying to say. You just said it alot better (Daddys don't verbalize too well). We all have so much to be thankful for. Sweetie, you've got alot going for you and you've got alot of friends. I know what you are doing is hard, but try not to dwell on the glass half empty. It's always half full too. I know that's a hideous cliche (and will probably pop up in "New Kids" any minute) but IT'S TRUE! It's the same glass of water. Make an effort to see the half full side. It's always there somewhere. And don't get caught up in too much "therepy crap". I know you have to for your transitioning but take it all with a grain of salt. Therepy can help, of course, but it can also be an ENDLESS road of self absorption (and remember they always get paid). Use it as a tool, not a crutch. Anyway, we are all rooting for you but you have to try a little too. When The Empress thought of this "diary idea" for you we thought it would be good for you and also would help other girls going through the same thing. Give us some real writing this time around. Give us some of that poetery. Some real thoughts about transitioning. Some helpful hints to the new Helin Rhiannons starting out. This one is off to a great start.
And sorry about all the cliches.

I guess what I'm saying is...
Instead of saying "I woke up today, my life sucks, I think I'll eat yogurt". etc etc. etc.
Say... "I woke up today with a black eye. That bastard hit me again last night. I hate him. But I also love him. He threw a mirror at me. Was that a sign that I should look harder at myself? My situation? Should I shoot him... then myself? No, that would be too easy. Just him? No I'd never get away with it. Even though I'm not 100% a woman yet I still feel like a battered bitch. Why do men have to be like that? I never was like that? Was I ever a man?"
Ooooh sorry, I'm having too much fun writing your diary! Anyway, make this one the TV Movie of the week! I wanna play the bastard that hits you though if that's OK.

[This message was edited by daddy on 01-27-03 at 12:26 PM.]

Anyway Our Helin.... any more of this depression crap and I might have to drag you out of it..force you to come to the (boxing) gym and help me shag the world ranked boxers!
Oh hold on... thats not a threat .......

taking a break from writing right now, and maybe for a lil while. I understand what is being said however not everybody knows me how you think you do. and on that not Im on a mini break

quote:

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Originally posted by HelinRhiannon:
I dont have too much of.... My confidence was shot down awhile ago.... go thru a situation like that for a year, when you get choked, and huge peices of mirror thrown at you....

---

Helin, I know how it's like to live in such a situation since I also lived there longtime till I became big enough to be able to fight back. Such experience certainly leaves a big trauma, but now, it's not a threat to my life. The experience made me much stronger, and also it made me to be able to feel deeper. I've been carring the childhood trauma as a weapon for self-defense or a tool to understand others in pain.
Don't waste the experience though it was like a nightmare. It'd gotten you to be deeper, and that's why you have so many beautiful people admiring you. Those people even Ms.Christina Augurela(can't spell...)'d never able to get though she made such a new PV ...ah
Anyway, waiting to hear from you

Helin we're just trying to get you to snap out of it and turn the page. Move on. FIGHT! Go to Beauty School. Get out of this funk. I mean we are trying to say it in a light hearted way but we are very serious. You have alot to offer but you have to do it. We are just trying to give you a little push. Take a break if you want to, we'll all still be here but I think you should keep writing.

• I asked for Strength.........And I got Difficulties instead to make me strong.
• I asked for Wisdom.........And I got Problems to solve.
• I asked for Prosperity.........And I got Brain and Brawn to work.
• I asked for Courage.........And I got Danger to overcome.
• I asked for Love.........And I got Troubled people to help.
• I asked for Favors.........And I got Opportunities.
• I received nothing I wanted ........I received everything I needed!



ps: If someone hurts you, betrays you or breaks your heart, thank them because they have helped you learn about trust and the importance of being cautious to whom you open your heart.

BB

Everyone has there own recovery time, this is mine, I understand , what you are trying to say however Im not gonna just get over it. I'm working thru things. Rome wasnt built in a day. and niether were my difficulties.

Now onto other things...This boy from a few weeks ago keeps popping into my head he was in a dream I had last nite and then today I was siting at welfare and again he was popping into my head. at ione point I yelled get out of my head! lol also I hheard from my new Dr. that Medicad changed some things transgendered women whoo do not have the (m) changed to (f) on their medicaid can no longer recieve, hormones! So I have to go get it changed over. I took off my nails the other day... too much up keep. Besides I dont need acrylics to be cunt lol. Well I'm off to work on my web page as well as this guys web page too. I cant wait til Im done(which is never) the page always has room for improvement...

god helin all this sounds like more work then a 9 to 5 job.
hope you are feeling well and i know it does take time. keep working on yourself you are a great gal.

my web page that have been working on is on
www.migente.com, and you can preview the site, my username is JosiePinkDiamon, spelled exactly like that. take a look